Let’s tell a story, Let’s tell my story, as Medium editor suggests.
I’ve been struggling most of my life, and still struggling, even though I have a good life, a very good and satisfying job, and every single detail of my life is in order.
But, I am struggling! And it is invisible to most if not all of people around me.
When I was looking for a photo that can show the concept of struggle, most of the results were only people who have severe diseases.
This made me think again, before start typing and pouring out my “sick” thoughts.
I know there are more important problems, challenges, obstacles, and struggles around the world, such as diseases, wars, climate change, and etc.
But, I can handle only me at the moment, which I am not that successful though.
I don’t like me, I never had liked me, there is a real problem here. I never had the courage to confess it, but now, I have this courage.
Where it comes from? Very long psychoanalysis and therapy sessions.
I don’t like me, I don’t believe in me, I have no confidence and I am super insecure!
Do you find it odd?
A girl from a developing country in middle east, with lots of taboos, rules, and regulations, who has migrated to a city, 5.479,1 km far from her birth place. A person who has migrated to a country without even knowing their native language, have found 3 jobs until today, have moved 3 times in the country, all on her own.
The girl above, is the same insecure and in-confident person who doesn’t believe in herself.
Yes, that’s me!
I have been bullied several times, I have had several toxic “any kind of” relationships (friendships, partner, even parents), and I have also been a toxic person myself in some levels.
In all these memories, there is one common point.
I don’t like me!
I’ve been struggling with this my whole life, and since September 2020, when I starter my psychoanalysis sessions, that is the main question we are trying to find its root.
I’m not gonna lie to myself anymore, I don’t like me, and I’ve been looking for outer approval my whole life.
I’ve been trying to attract attention with giving too much, even more than my abilities and capabilities.
I have never said No, I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life, and I have been hurt quite a lot!
Why am I writing this story?
Because I know there are a lot of me out there, who are struggling like me, completely invisible, and nobody around them even notice.
Because, we wake up, put on our best happy mask on the face, and act as if everything is normal.
But, it is not!
If you are like me, just know you are not alone.
I know nothing about Psychology, all I know is, we all are struggling with invisible pains, traumas, challenges and problems.
Never judge anyone by the biases that has been built in our mind since childhood, and try not to hurt anyone, especially with your words.
Before spreading any negative thoughts or shouting at anyone, ask yourself:
- What if my opinion, or me screaming at them, may cause a huge trauma?
- What if my behavior lead anyone to kill themselves.
Yes, everyone are responsible for their own actions, but we are living in a society, and every single detail matters.
Just a smile at a stranger can save their life. And just a normal sentence like “you are not compatible with anyone” can cause an everlasting trauma.
You never know!
Just be careful! Especially if you are a parent, be more careful. You never know what will damage your child mental health.
Something simple like, “Why aren’t you the first grade in the class?” can cause an everlasting trauma until who knows, maybe death?
I’ve decided to share my journey to “liking myself” here. Why here? I have always been better at writing. I though about Instagram, YouTube, even Podcast, but I have been a writer and a blogger since I remember.
That’s how I can express my deepest feelings, only in writing.
I may still need a bit of motivation, as I don’t believe in me. But I know that I am not alone.
Maybe we can create a support group some day.
Until next time …
Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay hopeful, you are not alone.